The Myth of Sameness
Why real harmony begins when we stop trying to feel the same way
Unified and Authentic: How We Show Up in Our Humanness
My women’s barbershop chorus recently had a musical coaching weekend. It got me thinking about emotions and how we bring them into what we do.
How do we not just show up skillfully, but also show up in a way that feels real? How do we move beyond performing well into something that genuinely connects with our audience?
It’s easy to assume that we all access emotion in the same way. The reality is that while we all experience emotions, the way those emotions show up internally can feel very different from one person to another.
With my partner’s permission, I’ll share a story that captures this well.
A number of years ago, as we were going through a variety of psychological assessments with our kids, we found ourselves having many conversations about how each of us functions and processes. It was on one of those evenings that he dropped a bit of an emotional bomb.
“I don’t think I love you,” he said.
I felt an immediate surge of panic. One of my deepest fears had always been that if someone truly knew me, they wouldn’t love me and would leave. Thankfully, my training kicked in.
I took a deep breath and let curiosity lead the way.
I asked him to help me understand what that meant. He went on to explain that he didn’t experience love in the way he believed people were “supposed” to.
Another moment where panic wanted to take over. Again, I paused, breathed, and chose curiosity.
I asked him a series of questions:
Do you feel safe with me? Yes
Do you enjoy spending time with me? Yes
Do you enjoy being with me? Yes
Do you feel like you can share your deepest self with me and be loved and accepted? Yes
Is there anyone else you’d rather be with? No
Do you generally feel intense internal emotions in other situations? No
As we kept talking, it became clear that he had been measuring his experience against the version of love he had absorbed from movies, books, and stories. What he thought love should feel like didn’t match his lived reality.
But when he paid attention to his actual experience, how his body felt with me, safe, grounded, at ease, and how I was the person he most wanted to be with, something shifted.
He realized he did love me. He just experienced love differently.
What This Has to Do With Authenticity
So what does this have to do with performance… or really, with life?
When we show up in our humanness, understanding how we each access emotion, we begin to show up with a kind of presence that others can feel. That’s what creates connection.
The phrase “unified and authentic” was used during our coaching weekend. As I sat with it, I found myself reflecting on an important thought:
Being unified does not require us to be the same.
In fact, real unity often depends on us showing up differently, but in a way that is deeply connected. When each of us connects to emotion in a way that is true to who we are, those differences don’t fragment the experience. They enrich it.
Many different parts, working together, begin to feel like harmony.
If you’re finding something meaningful here, thank you for being here.
Different Ways We Experience Emotion
Some people experience emotion in their bodies first. A tight chest, a flutter in the stomach, warmth in the face. For some, it shows up as a sense of their body in a space or relationship.
For others, emotion arrives as thought or narrative.
I feel dismissed.
I’m feeling unsettled.
I feel deeply cared for.
In some people, emotion shows up as image or metaphor. A colour, a weather system, a texture. Something symbolic that captures the feeling.
In my practice, I’ve noticed that people respond very differently to prompts that try to access emotion. Some people cannot picture an image in their mind at all. Others struggle to identify physical sensation in their body.
None of this is wrong. It’s simply different wiring.
The 10-Minute Emotional Entry Point Scan
Some people already know how they process emotion. If you’re not sure, here is a simple exercise to help you explore it.
Think of it as a way of noticing how you enter into emotion. There are no right or wrong answers. This is simply about building awareness.
Step 1: Recall an emotional moment
Close your eyes and bring to mind a small emotional moment from the last 48 hours. Nothing major. Just a brief flicker of emotion.
Step 2: Somatic lens (body)
Notice your body. Where do you feel something? What does it feel like?
Step 3: Cognitive lens (thought)
What thought or story is connected to that moment? Name it with one precise word if you can.
Step 4: Expressive lens (image/metaphor)
If this feeling were a colour, weather pattern, or texture, what would it be?
Step 5: Observe your noticings
Which lens came most naturally? That may be your primary entry point.
Understanding What We Notice First
None of these ways are better or more accurate than the others. They are simply different doors into the same inner room.
Body-first processing often means we feel before we understand.
Thought-first processing means we understand as a way of feeling.
Image-first processing means we translate feeling into symbol.
Recognizing how emotion shows up for us gives us access to our inner world. It also helps us make sense of others who may be experiencing something very different.
Bringing Authenticity Into Life (and Performance)
Let’s return to authenticity and unity.
If we are all accessing emotion differently, then authenticity cannot mean expressing emotion in one prescribed way. It has to mean bringing our true selves and our natural ways of connecting with emotion into what we do.
When someone shares from a logical, analytical place, that is not less emotional. It is simply their doorway in. When someone else connects through sensation or imagery, that doorway matters just as much.
When each person shows up authentically, something surprising happens. The differences don’t create disconnection. They create depth.
And that’s where unity is found.
True harmony is not found in sameness, but in the courage to bring our whole selves and make space for others to do the same.
Reflection Questions follow below
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~ Haide
Reflection Questions:
How do you most naturally experience emotion: body, thought, or image?
When have you misunderstood someone because they processed emotion differently than you?
What helps you access emotion in a way that feels authentic to you?
Where in your life are you trying to feel something the “right” way instead of your way?
Great piece Haide. I also think that relationships go through phases and couples could be in different phases (not feeling the same) sometimes. The question is could couples not be the same and still be in sync?
You’re saying differences make things better, but sometimes it just feels confusing when people don’t feel the same way.
What if it’s not just about accepting differences but figuring out how to actually understand each other?